Tuesday, 19 May 2020

Läbipaistev sinine


Läbipaistvat sinist nägin unes.
Tenerifet või Aadria merd,
võibolla ikkagi Emajõge,
aga kindlasti
valget purjekat ja tuult,
tuult su kleidiga mängimas.

Nüüd juba kauem kui aasta
oled sa nõnda tihti
unedes kohal,
et kaotasin su ilmsi.

Tagasi unes. See oli ikkagi Emajõgi
Tenerife läbipaistva veega,
mida ma näinudki pole.

“Inimene üle parda!” ütles instruktor
ning me pidime tegema manöövri.
Päästma oranži päästerõnga.
Ja me päästsime.

Ärkasin armastades,
kuulasin su hingamist,
kuigi sa polnud minuga.

Inimesed üle parda.
Uppuja haaramas päikesekiirtest.
Läbipaistev sinine
armulikult soe ja sõbralik.
Ühised merekaardid
märgitud paljude lootustega.

Õhtuti kuulan kuuri taga hüüpi
ja tunnen sind enese kõrval.
Ja tead, viimasel ajal
oled sa unedes peaaegu kehatu,
peamiselt kohalolu, teadmine sinust,
nii et unel ja ilmsil
polegi suuremat vahet.

Nüüd olen valmis uskuma
et taevas, milleni lendasime,
jälgib instruktor,
kuidas ma, ähmi täis,
natuke liiga kiiresti,
aga vähemalt tegude, mitte vaid sõnadega,
püüan kinkida sinule maailma –
ilmsiolemise läbipaistvat sinist.

Monday, 18 May 2020

"Hetk"

Muutumine


Olen reisinud läbi elu,
küsimused kojana kukil.
Kuidas olla?
Kelleks moonduda?
Tuhk ja teemant, vastne ja liblikas,
õhtupoolik ja õhtu, keel ja kirjandus.

Olen püüdnud ennast muuta
ja muutunud.
Või siis mitte. Jäänud samaks
ja küsimused
pole koda või kohver,
vaid mu enese olemus.

Olen kihisenud
nagu mudane tiik,
kus müttavad alasti pidutsejad.

Vastuolud on hoidnud mu vormi
ning mina, soovides muutuda,
olen kaaslastelt nõudnud,
et nad vahetaksid dekoratsioone
isehakanud geeniuse taustal.

Aga nüüd, silmitsi sinuga,
mõistan viimaks muutumise mõttetust.
Elu muudab meid ise
ja mina, tigu nõlvakul, reede ja esmaspäev,
olen unustanud küsimused.

Ja see
on sinu teene.
Sina, kes sa tulid liiga kergete sammudega,
nii et tiigid tõusid kosena taevasse,
templi eesriie kärises,
tuhk ja teemant sulasid ühte –
sina oled esimene,
kes on piisavalt muutlik,
et sind pole mõtteski muuta.

Sinus on kahekordne vikerkaar
kuue prismaga kaleidoskoobis.
Su tõusud ja mõõnad
on kaunid nagu meri
ja ennustamatud
nagu järgmise aasta
börsigraafikud.

Ma ei taha sind muuta.
Tahan ainult armastada.
Tahan olla su taustapilt,
rahulik saatja,
kes kuulab ja vaimustub.
Tahan olla tuul
murede roostikus.

Ja ma tean, meil on üks rebitud vikerkaar,
värvid liitunud läbipaistvaks,
kuid veel
on vett ja päikest,
et sinu taustale ilmuksid värvid.

Kuidas olla? Kelleks moonduda?
Küsimused kaotasid mõtte
just sellel hetkel,
kui tuhk ja teemant said üheks
ja sinu pea puhkas mu rinnal.

Ainult alasti pidutsejad
tantsivad endiselt muutmise tantsu
vanas maailmas,
hetk enne armumist elusse.


Friday, 10 April 2020

Norwich Residency

An interview in English. Full podcast here:
https://nationalcentreforwriting.org.uk/article/writing-in-interesting-times/
Thank you Lewis, Kate, Simon, Peggy, Lillie et all! Best greetings to Norwich!

Also, a story of walking in Norwich, real and imaginary:
https://nationalcentreforwriting.org.uk/walking-norwich/walking-on-water-in-norwich/

Monday, 30 March 2020

In dividio


Indiviid. In dividio. Jagamatu.
Kui palju olen püüdnud endast anda,
teenimaks ära
terviklikku säramist?

Puude vahelt paistab
sihvakas kirikutorn.
See on kuusk.

Kõnnin, kollane prügiämber näpus
krundi tagumisse ossa,
sinna, kust kitsed ja külakoerad
leiavad leiba ja kalarappeid,
mädanenud banaane,
meretagust eksootikat,
tuhka ja teemante.

Aastate kaupa
püüdsin jagada sulle
parimaid palu
iseenesest,
küsimata kunagi,
mis sulle päriselt maitseb,
leib või kalarapped,
luuletused või kõrvarõngad,
õhtusöögid või massaaž.

Indiviid. In dividio. Jagamatu.
Kuskil on üks ilus õun,
aga need, kes hammustavad sellest
on tühised ussikesed.

Toetan kollase ämbri
kaevu betoonist kaanele.
Kohe see kukub, rabatud maailma hingamisest.
Järv teisel pool tänavat
püüab murda enesest välja,
kasvada mereks.
Järv on täna mu enese moodi --
trots lainetab hallikas veres.

Indiviid. In dividio. Jagamatu.
Alatine rahutus rahu leidmiseks.
Niiviisi polegi võimalik
süüdata lõkkeid
võõrastes akendes.
Niiviisi polegi võimalik
teenida ära
tuulevaikseid aastaid.

Alles siis,
kui tuled kui nuga
mu kuivade soomuste vastu,
vabaneb killuke minust
su soolasel keelel.

Tulime tühjusest


Tulime tühjusest.
Petame endid lootusega
jõuda kuhugi. Valgusse.

Ma proovisin ehitada
ilusaid kodusid.
Kulutasin uneeelseid aegu
valides värve,
mis annaksid tuulevaikse lapsepõlve
neile, kes magavad tubades.

Tõusin keset ööd
ja läksin mere äärde.
See polegi meri, vaid järv.
Ka mina pole see
ja ma ei tea, kes ma olen.

Rajades paradiisi, ehitasin põrgu.
Pisarad minu tegudest
kergitasid veepiiri,
aga kõrkjad olid ees
ja nendel nägin veiklevat varju.
See olin ma ise.

Ema ja isa leidsid mind tühjusest.
Otsisin vastuseid, alati aplalt
neelates heljuvaid hetki
nagu tindiparv ähmases valguses,
mis puudutab läbi vee –
ainult päike teab oma suunda.

Isa on surnud ja tema ei vasta.
Ema on elus ja temalt ei küsi.
Ise ei mõista, kuni on öö
ja hommik on alati uus
ja eelmiste päevade valu
on võimatu röövida nendelt,
kes väärisid paremaid kinke.

Ma ei tea, kes ma olen, kuid sina
oled soojus, mida kiirgavad köetud majad.
Oled õhtud, mida liigendavad helid
ikka veel ostmata klaverilt.
Oled see, kes kunagi andestab.
Võibolla siis, kui mind enam pole.

Seisan keset päeva
seal kus eelmisel aastal
oli liivane kallas, kõrkjatest kaetud.

Sina vist olidki kodu
või lootus kodule
nagu varahommiku päike
järve rahutus peeglis.

Nüüd on aeg, mil otsustavad teised.
Otsustad sina, mitte mu aplus
ja väikeste kalade hirm.
Otsustab järv, kellele anda
ja keda võtta – tagasi tühjusse.

Tulime tühjusest.
Tulime emast ja isast.
Pole põrgut ja paradiisi.
Elame esimest korda.


Üksainus näide


Mida teab laine ülejäänud järvest?
Mida teab vihmapiisk
tumedatest pilvedest?

Tuuleiilid kaovad,
millekski vajalikud,
kerged kui õhk.

Iga liivatera
saaks tunda vaid ennast.

Iga luik roostiku vahel
imetleb kaaslast,
julgemata muud kui läheneda.
Midagi arvamata. Midagi küsimata.

Ometi öeldakse,
tuttav nagu omaenda peopesa.

Vaatan kätt ja kõik on võõras.
Need jooned on kirjutatud
tundmatus tähestikus.

Autol pole aimugi numbrimärgist,
liisingust, hooldustest, õlist.

Kõik on vaid ise.
Ise, millegi meelevallas,
kobades valguses,
leides kodu suurlinna öös
või uinuvas külas.

Kirjutan õpikut,
kasutades ühte näidet.
See pole ülbus ja hoolimatus.

Kirjutan endast, aga mõtlen inimestest.
Mul on üksainus mudel.
Teised on omamoodi.

Wednesday, 26 February 2020

The Masters


In the Governorate of Estonia, serfdom was abolished in 1816 (in comparison, in the whole Russian Empire it was abolished in 1861), however the land was not redistributed among the peasants and the corvée labor was preserved (until 1876). The American Civil was fought from 1861 to 1865, with slavery abolished by the Thirteenth Amendment in 1865. The poems if about the changing face of the colonialism.

We were the good masters,
taking Christ and glass beads
to uneducated savages.
Their lords became our henchmen.

The hostile tribes
felt the impotence
or hatchets and clubs.
Back crooked, they waiting for us
as if for hail, a thunder
they have never experienced.

We gave them cold,
as cold is good.
We taught them to read
Bible and count money,
because these are good as well.
We forced them to build houses,
until cities sprouted.
Plaza de Armas, Central Square –
the castles and fortresses
showed our power
and the savages understood
that these are good.

Their little castles
of palm leaves, earth and dung,
thick logs, rocks and corrogated iron,
modern blocks, aluminum, glass,
roof tiles and drywall
absorbed our power.

The savages learned to write poetry.
They used our alphabet to compose their epics.
They too religion from us, and it was good.
They took our habits and way of life,
made wigs of Samson’s hair
and held country fairs.

We, the masters, retreated.
Our parachute men
rose to Algerians sky and flew away.
Dandellions had flowered
and a rotting couch stood on the porch.

The the cicada could fiddle
on their miserable folk instruments.
A festival tramped on the memory
of our power.
“Come back!” a Little Master called,
and we went,
leaving the chapels for bush and grass.

We ceased to live
but didn’t die.
As an ivy we sucked the last strenght
from the old walls.
In our stables they built restaurants
and the tribes fought as in the olden days.

We were the good masters,
but the goodness did not maintain our power.
We are tired,
but we cannot leave.

We cannot call us the good ones,
because savages are not bad any more.
The peculiar pagan faiths
are honored again.

So we hide the stuffed pygmys
to the restricted collections
of ethnographical museums.
We send apologies to Central Africa.
We bow our head in mourings
for the Iranian nuclear scientists.
We celebrate holocaust day
and demand Israel to recognise Palestine.
We talk of xenophobia and privay policy.

Great American companies
honestly hint
the they are guilty of eating the bees.
The tongue of Rolling Stones
is still swollen
after licking the honey
of the developing countries.

We call ourselver West
and West, it’s the light coloured people.
Never trust a blonde.
The blaze of evil blue eyes
rises over Davos.

Our skiis have the power
when we slide down the hills.
White hell, white kingdom.
If we cannot be the masters of good,
we are the masters of evil.

We tramp to the mud
everybody who tells
that our Hitler was less or a bastard
than Stalin or Mao.
We’re antifa just to maintain
the power of fascism.
We buy canned food
from biomarkets
and take an airplane to converence
to discuss climate change,
caused by technology –
technology, it’s us.

We are the bad masters,
but we rule the world.
We are tired,
but not ready to leave.

The bigger our guilt,
the more powerful we are.

No need for dumbbells
and education
to be a sexist pig.
Your ancestry is enough
to be evil and strong.

The white master, walking on tiptoes –
your flat muscles
conceal an amazing power.
Oh, white lady, prophessing trouble,
a girl with history,
you have seven billion children,
who must obey to your wisdom.

It’s you who knows how to live.
You’re old.
Your the lady of the house.
Your man is the master.
Lips sticky with apple juice
you talk of your guilt,
bigger that the others have.

Plaza de Armas, Central Square –
with alphabets learned from the masters
the savages paint slogans there.

Plaza de Armas, Central Square –
you, the savages, gulp the guilt of your masters
like stolen honey.
Your tongues get swollen,
but your chest if puffy of bride.
You’re young,
and you are not leaving.

You have seven billion children.

The Hole of Rock’n’roll


Same socks for the fouth day,
lips red as settings sun,
tale so free and puffy,
hand holding a coffee cup with beer –
so I stand on the planet.

The last gurgles of a male choir.
A tradition if fullfilled,
and there is no more to come.

The last song festival or Oktoberfest,
the last Canterbury festival,
the last summe solstice,
the last war in Afganistan.

There are moment I have no idea
which handle to pull.
How to influence the world machine
so it won’t crush me?

A toothbrush it the only item
connecting me and humanity.
I spit the deep thoughts
into the sink
and get myselft ready.

It’s almost evening
when they drive us somewhere.
It’s almost empty, the community hall
where the native are shown
a poet,
who’s on an unpaid leave
for the fifth year in row,
needed by everybody,
invited to events –
like a big black butterfly
it the ceiling of it’s own room.

And then it’s over
as is never to repeat itself.
The buttles shed their hats
to honour the youth.
And there you stand,
just by the counter,
young and hot
like a iron in gas state.

Now there’s no shame
to be famous,
to laugh and swagger,
make fool of myself
and then sport profoundness,
to the be first fish to grow legs,
to stands of a bar table
and after that
just tell her: “Let’s leave this place”.

The coolness rises from the dark river
throught thin branches.
It’s not summer yet, but the juices are flowing.
You get naked
to the pleasure of all anglers.
And I choose the path
back to nature.

The people are are in the bus again,
the fallen friends and laughed about.
All of the rise from the dead –
an army of zombies takes the stage.

The girl looks as if
she carries a pussycat in her purse.
Somewhat shy,
somewhat confident.

This journey is forever.
The yellow gold of late summer
flowing by the windows
and I am not aware
if it’s this or the next autumn on the way.

Three rows to the front
sits a crestfallen Icaros,
looking at me as if to say:
“You ain’t gonna catch that sun.”

All lifetime with the same pair of socks,
wings fluttering
like an impotent Pegasus.
The rich tits of the world
force into the submissive face –
still I manage to get up
and escape to the wilderness.

Where could I find a paper so clean
that all the words wouldn’t seem dirty?
How awry must the park bench be
so that the humans
would drop from it?
Whoops and whoops
like candies in a factory.

Honest questions pulsate in my head.
I take a mouth full of moonshine
and forget it all.

Now it’s time.
Now I’m really here.
Right here in this moment,
directly and knowing nothings.

I’m surrounded by snowdrift
and dandellions,
rosehips are in bloom
and the lindend trees shed gold,
as if they don’t pity
the yellow billowing rye fields.

And I feel –
I just have to take one step
to cross this green hill
and there, in front me
it opens –
the hole of rock’n’roll.

In dividio


Individual. In dividio. Indivisible.
How much have I tryed to give
to earn from your
indivisible radiance?

I see a slender tower
of a distant church
partially hidden by trees.
It’s a tall spruce.

I walk, a yellow garbage bin in my hand
to the back of the plot of my country house,
where deer and village dogs
look for bread and fish scraps,
rotten bananas,
exotics from overseas,
ashes and diamonds.

Through the years
I tryed to provide you
with best pieces of myself,
never asking
if you prefer bread of fish scraps,
poetry or earrings,
dinners or a shoulder rub.

Individual. In dividio. Indivisible.
Somewhere there’s a beautiful apple,
but those who bite on it
are just random worms.

I put the yellow bin
on the concrete cover of the well.
Now empty, it is blowns away
overwhelmed by the breath of the world.

The lake across the street
is trying to break out of itself,
to grow into a sea.

The lake resembles me today –
defiance in it’s gray blood.

Individual. In dividio. Indivisible.
Constantly distressed to find peace.
And so
it’s impossible to light bonfires
in the windows of strangers.
And so
it’s not possible to earn
windless years.

Only then
when you come as knife
against my scales,
against my dry fish skin,
a piece of my is released
on your salty tongue.